eikonktizo?

I am an artist, teacher, writer, husband, dad, believer, dreamer, thinker, seeker who lives in Mid Missouri. This blog records words and images that contain my reflections on my experience of the aforementioned categories.

My most recent book of essays, Nine Texts, is available in standard paperback version at Amazon and in an ereader version here.

A catalog published in tandem with my large exhibition at William Woods University, which covers my work from 2000-2012 is available here.

You can see more of my paintings, drawings, and prints above at the Portfolio link and over on my Flickr.

Some of my lower priced works are available on my Etsy site.

You can read about our adventures in China here.

Reflecting On Who We Are And What We Do

I’m posting this piece written by my friend Pete. He’s my age, but has had far more to struggle with, starting with Spina Bifida and a number of other chronic conditions. Most of his family has died, he is disabled, and has to live with a plethora of indignities while scraping to get by and have a small measure of comfort. In spite of all of that he has a sense of humor.

That’s mostly what he writes, makes videos, and records audio clips about: the stupidity and hilarity of life.

But this piece is much more introspective. It’s short, but punchy.

Enjoy.

 

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Self Portrait Selfie, courtesy Peter Prosser.

I’ll die.

And that’ll be the end of it. I’ll just be another corpse in a grave somewhere, like all of the other billions of people throughout history. Because – I’ll be honest with you, it was kind of a weird little awakening that happened not that long ago… a year, maybe six months ago – when I actually realized that I’m no better than anybody else. You think about all the billions of people who lived. Think about all the cool people who lived one hundred years ago who we never got to meet, you know? You know there were some cool fucking characters in our lifetime that were just idiots but you were happy to just have engaged in life with them. There had to be some one hundred years ago. Now imagine two hundred years ago, three hundred, a thousand…

Think about the cool people throughout history who were there just making jokes and shit. Think about the jokes they made a million years ago! When I think about it from that perspective it feels like I missed out on a lot of stuff. I just wasn’t privy to it, you know?

Now, granted, it is irrelevant, all of it.

But you see all of the dead – these mummies and skulls and shit – and you realize, “these are fucking people who had lives and did stuff!” They WERE. And now they are not. And you’re just the same damn thing.

I picture it: there’s going to be a time when I’m fucking dead. There’s going to be about six guys standing over this fucking bed trying to lift me on to a gurney to get me down the fucking stairs. There’s probably going to be dog poop on the floor and they’re probably going to have to step over it. I think about stuff like that.

And, of course, the kitchen is a mess. They’re going to see that. The cousins will come in and say, “OH!” and they’ll try to clean it up quick because there’ll be people coming in and out, and it’s going to be…

I think about stuff like that, you know?

I am no better than anybody else.

When they’re eighteen, everybody has delusions: “I love Jesus and I’m a Republican; let’s go save the universe!” But the universe says, “FUCK YOU,” and it beats you down. It kicks you in the fucking nuts and you’re out of it. The next thing you know you’re bitter and dead inside.

I had that recurring dream again last night. You know what it’s about – the same fucking shit. It pisses me off, because what could have been could have been great… but what is is bullshit. It made me dead inside. It literally made me dead inside. God wanted to give me some sort of trial and tribulation and what it amounted to was a kick in the nuts. What it did was make me fucking bitter. I blame God. It was God’s fault. That whole thing was God’s fault. It’s fucking obnoxious and it pisses me off. Straight up pisses me off.

People wonder, “Why don’t you have a girlfriend?” What the fuck do I have to offer? I have less than half of a house. I have half of a house and a dick I haven’t seen in twenty years. What the fuck do I have to offer somebody, seriously? I’m not saying that to boo-hoo, it’s just a matter of fact. I don’t even own the half of a house; I just have the right to live here. That’s it: the right to live here. That’s all I was given. What goes on in the house, I have no say on. They could paint it turquoise and put up dildos out in the front yard. I have no say in any of it.

So what do I have to offer somebody, a messy fucking apartment? A dog who poops on the floor every day? I can barely walk! What do I have to offer somebody? Nothing. Again, I’m not saying this in a poo-poo sort of way, but just saying it like it is. It is what it is.

Then I have to come on Facebook and see all of these stupid people talking about God, God, God! These motherfuckers wouldn’t know God if He kicked them in the dick. I don’t think Jim Bakker would know Jesus if Jesus punched him in the fucking face, right in that stupid little beanie mouth of his! Not if He punched his fucking little teeth right down his fucking little bean-tip head.

(I say all of this sarcastically, not hurtfully.)

Pat Robertson: “Oh, Jesus spoke to me, Jesus spoke to me!” No, Jesus said you’re a fucking idiot, Pat! Go fuck yourself! Most of these motherfuckers wouldn’t know Jesus if He kicked them in the dick. “Oh, Jesus spoke to me!” they say. Well, Jesus spoke to me and told me I needed twenty grand! Give me my twenty grand!

I really should set up a Patreon, by the way. Though I really don’t like begging for money. It’s obnoxious. I’d rather be broke and dead. Granted, whoever is around will end up being the caretaker of whatever happens to my corpse. Still, I don’t want to leave that burden on somebody.

You know?

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Some Excellent Student Work, 2016-2017

My work as an educator is central to just about everything in my life. I’m constantly thinking about my students, working with them, trying to make my classes better, refining various projects, and generally just trying to be present in the process of their learning. I try to hold back on over-explaining myself to them – one of my biggest problems is giving the “answer” while still explaining the premise.

In any case, it’s always good for me to look back over the academic year and see what students have made. Of course, as a Teaching professor, keeping a record of my students’ work is also key to my career. Mostly, though, I find that looking through the “best” of what they make tells me a lot about what I’m presenting to them. Sure, art is subjective in a number of ways. But it is also one of the oldest and most explored arenas in all of human history. As such it is a realm of much wisdom and meaning. How my students interpret and remix the ideas I give to them – whether those concepts are philosophical or technical – is an indicator of not only how well I have explained myself, but also how much has passed through me from those who came before.

Here are some of the works my students have made over the last year. I’ll post them roughly in the order they would appear in class… basic projects, moving into more refinement and invention.

(Note: I’m including the major of the student in question, so that you can see that most of my best students are, in fact, not Art Majors. They come from all over the academic spectrum. Art has something important to give to anyone in any course of study, and that’s a reality that used to be promoted in the academy…)

IMG_7418Michael Flinchpaugh (Architecture). Perspective and Accumulation Study. Graphite on paper, 18 by 18 inches. 2016.

IMG_2378Brittany Burnett (Architecture). Interior Space Project 1 (Art Building). Graphite on paper, 18 by 18 inches. 2017.

IMG_2376Shannon Henderson (Journalism). Interior Space Project 1 (Art Building). Graphite on paper, 18 by 18 inches. 2017.

IMG_9731Kearra Johnson (Art), Interior Space Project 2 (Jesse Hall). Graphite on paper, 24 by 18 inches. 2016.

IMG_2800Shannon Henderson (Journalism). Interior Space Project 2 (Jesse Hall). Graphite on paper, 24 by 18 inches. 2017.

IMG_2801Megan Feezer (Health Science). Interior Space Project 2 (Jesse Hall). Graphite on paper, 18 by 24 inches. 2017.

IMG_2802Xinyi Hu (Religious Studies). Interior Space Project 2 (Jesse Hall). Graphite on paper, 24 by 18 inches. 2017.

IMG_9730Michael Flinchpaugh (Architecture). Interior Space Project 2 (Jesse Hall). Graphite on paper, 24 by 18 inches. 2016.

IMG_0253Shannon Kling (Art). Detail of Apollo, Gallery of Greek and Roman Casts – Museum of Art and Archaeology, University of Missouri. 18 by 18 inches, 2016. Now on display at the Museum.

IMG_0252Emmalee Wilkins (English). Detail of Apollo, Gallery of Greek and Roman Casts – Museum of Art and Archaeology, University of Missouri. 24 by 18 inches, 2016. Now on display at the Museum.

IMG_0777Kearra Johnson (Art), Self Portrait at Mizzou. Graphite on paper, 18 by 24 inches. 2016.

IMG_0780Alex Knudsen (Communications). Self Portrait With Aliens. Graphite on paper, 18 by 18 inches. 2016.

IMG_0255Mia Scaturro (Art) working on a self portrait in black and white colored pencils on gray paper, 2016.

IMG_1991A chunk of “unicorn turd (oil pastel scrapings molded together)” collected by Color Drawing (Beginning, Intermediate, and Advanced) student Sterling Labarbera (Art), 2016-2017.

IMG_1753Blessing Ikoro (Psychology). Grid Study 1. Chalk pastel on paper, 18 by 22 inches, 2017.

IMG_2825Madalynn Olmsted (Art). Grid Study 2. Colored pencil on paper, 16 by 16 inches, 2017.

IMG_2831Alexandra Sapaugh (Art). Complex Colored Pencil Study. Colored pencil on paper, 18 by 24 inches, 2017.

IMG_2823Alexandra Rowles (Health Sciences). Complex Oil Pastel Study. Oil pastel on paper, 16 by 20 inches, 2017.

IMG_2824Alexandra Sapaugh (Art). Complex Oil Pastel Study. Oil pastel on paper, 17 by 17 inches, 2017.

IMG_9836Bridget McFerren (Art, Art History, Multicultural Studies). Lunch (Wings). Oil pastel on paper, 24 by 18 inches. 2016.

IMG_2828Noor Khreis (Art). Reflection Self Portrait (In a sheet of bent metal). Chalk pastel on paper, 18 by 24 inches. 2017.

IMG_2826Blessing Ikoro (Psychology). Reflection Self Portrait (In an ice bucket). Chalk pastel on paper, 24 by 18 inches, 2017.

IMG_2827Madalynn Olmsted (Art). Reflection Self Portrait (In a pair of tongs). Oil pastel on paper, 15 by 24 inches, 2017.

IMG_9736Bridget McFerren (Art, Art History, Multicultural Studies). Reflection Self Portrait (In a chrome sphere). Oi pastel on paper, 15 by 15 inches, 2016.

IMG_2829Madalynn Olmsted (Art). Complex Lighting Arrangement 1. Chalk pastel and collage on paper, 18 by 24 inches, 2017.

IMG_2830Alexandra Sapaugh (Art). Lighting Arrangement 1. Chalk pastel on paper, 18 by 18 inches, 2017.

IMG_2725Alexandra Rowles (Health Sciences). Lighting Arrangement 1. Oil pastel on paper, 18 by 24 inches, 2017.

Amazing work – I can’t wait to see what they do next!

LEGO Sculptures on display

Thirty-four of my LEGO sculptures, created 2010-2017, are on display at the George Caleb Bingham Gallery at the University of Missouri right now. These include five bronze pieces as well.

Since I was a child, LEGOs have been a staple in my creative habits. Often, when I am met with some creative block, when I am disillusioned, or when I simply need a change, LEGOs are my go-to outlet. They offer a kind of open-ended opportunity to make things without any conceits or justifications. Usually, at least for me, this kind of building amounts to a formal exercise within certain boundaries. After all, LEGOs are a finite tool. They have limited application and range. In spite of this, however, they allow for many hours of engagement and a diversity of resolution. LEGOs really are a creative partner in my life.

 

Over the last 10 years or so I’ve been interested in a number of practitioners of contemporary sculpture and their work has influenced how I have played with my LEGOs. First and foremost is Vincent Fecteau, who crafts strange, small sculptures that exhibit a wonderful sense of hidden interior space. Additionally, Barry Le Va’s dark and geometric wall and floor installations (and the awesome drawings for those installations) are also important to me. Didier Vermeiren’s solemn, dense sculptural works manifest a kind of austerity and clarity that challenges me. These artists (among many others) inspire me to play with associations of form and color, as well as with the implications of scale. Fecteau in particular has strongly influenced all of my work over the last 6 or 8 years. 

The sculptures collected here, both those made of standard LEGOs and those crafted in bronze, are meant to function like poems of form: slight, strange, awkward, yet solid in a sense. In them I have gone through an iterative process of placement and association. In my mind, it’s all shape dynamics and formal play. These miniatures have stimulated my paintings, drawings, and prints for a long time. At this point I see them as part of my overall work, though definitely a part that’s still in development.

One Year After

It has been a year since my heart attack. Since my cardiac arrest. Since the trauma I don’t remember and that my family saw. Since members of my family kept me alive until the EMTs arrived. Since the radical changes of diet and lifestyle. Since the shift in horizon.

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Three days before that I lost my big sister; a life of incredible value and service, gone. Two months afterward my estranged step-father died; a life wasted in self-concern and alcohol.

How would people have summed up my life one year later, if it ended that night?

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Since I didn’t go, I have to assess it myself. I know my life has been valuable. I know I have taken deep draughts of experience and thought. I have been astonished. I have been disappointed. I have known love and sacrifice. I have seen things that made me cry in sorrow and weep in happiness. I have tried and failed, then barely hoped and succeeded. I have yearned and yearned, in spite of cheesiness or irony. I have worked so hard and received so much through no merit of my own doing. I have believed and doubted. All through I have attempted to be honorable and careful, passionate and present. Sometimes I have succeeded.

img_0200I am SIMUL IUSTUS ET PECCATOR.

I am AGATHOKAKOLOGICAL.

I have tried to understand what it all means. I still don’t. But I think I have some sense of how it feels.

~

It feels a little like these songs (click the titles to listen):

 

At Last

I can say that I’ve lived here in honor and danger

But I’m just an animal and cannot explain a life

Down this chain of days I wish to stay among my people

Relation now means nothing, having chosen so defined

And if death should smell my breathing

As it pass beneath my window

Let it lead me trembling, trembling

I own every bell that tolls me.

 

Fox Confessor Brings The Flood

Driving home I see those flooded fields

How can people not know what beauty this is?

I’ve taken it for granted my whole life

Since the day I was born.

Clouds hang on these curves like me

And I kneel to the wheel

Of the fox confessor (on splendid heels).

And he shames me from my seat

And on my guilty feet

I follow him in retreat…

What purpose in these deeds?

Oh fox confessor, please,

Who married me to these orphaned blues?

“It’s not for you to know, but for you to weep and wonder

When the death of your civilization precedes you.”

Will I ever see You again?

Will there be no one above me to put my faith in?

I flooded my sleeves as I drove home again.

 

A Widow’s Toast

Specters move like pilot flames

Their widows toast at St. Angel.

Better times collide with now

The tears are warm, I feel them still.

They’ll heat to vapor and disperse

And cloud our eyes with weary glaze.

You raise your glass and may exclaim,

“I’ll put my hands on the truth, by God!”

But it’s faster, love, than you and me –

Faster than the speed of gravity.

That’s how it catches you from falling

And how it always, always, always slips away.

Specters move like pilot flames

Their widows toast at St. Angel.

Better times collide with now

And better times

And better times

Are coming still.

Neko knows what to say.

~

I find attention, clarity, and rightness in teaching. I find wonderful confusion in my art-making. I find solace and laughter in my wife. I find a strange wine of joy and frustration in my children. I feel both lost and found. I feel both at home (warm, in bed), and far away in the dark (clouds, wind). I’m in orbit around a great truth and yet my tether is strung out miles from safety.

Believe it or not, all of this is so much better than the 3 or 4 years before the heart attack.

I know that some would want me to declare something, some truth, some more faithful words, some thoughts that sound more spiritually centered. I’m sorry.

Today, I want to take the lessons – the cumulative astonishments of being – as they come. I want to have joy and camaraderie in my students. I want to be gentle and full of wonder with my children. I want to continue to cherish my wife. I want to be a better husband, father, son, brother, artist, teacher, mentor, helper, and friend.

No regrets. I have not loved every moment, but I have been given such grace and love. I’m thankful.

~

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A Couple Early 2017 Highlights

This Friday, a show of my collaborative works created with the great Joel T. Dugan goes up in Brooklyn, at es ef eff gallery. Head over to 893 Bergen Street at 7pm this Friday, February 17.


Above: a work from the exhibition, “Crest” – Acrylic, oil, pastel, colored pencil, and graphite with woodblock printing on paper mounted on panel. 11 by 11 inches, 2016-2017.

I’m also pleased to share that the Manifest Gallery painting anthology I was selected for has finally been published. It’s a beautiful volume (buy it here).



Above: one of my personal favorite paintings, beautifully reproduced. The INPA6 book features some amazing work by a lot of great artists, as well as friends and colleagues… like Nathan Sullivan and Melanie Johnson:


Above: detail of a Nathan Sullivan work from the book. Below: Melanie Johnson’s included work.


Pretty cool stuff! I’m thankful! There are a number of additional events happening this year that I will share soon – exciting times!

Stations of the Cross Project

Back in November of 2016, I bid on a commission at a cathedral, calling for an exploration of the Stations of the Cross. It has been a number of years since I created a series of works based on a biblical theme (I tend to do this every few years or so) and I wanted to at least feel out the idea a bit.

While I did not get the commission, I have continued to develop the work from the proposal. Below are a bunch of the pieces in progress. Each is made on an iPad Pro using an Apple Pencil in the ProCreate App. What I’ve done in these works is dovetail my own research of Eastern and Western Mandala forms into an exploration of Giandomenico Tiepolo‘s Via Crucis from San Polo in Venice (Click through here to see examples of his works).

Here are 6 of the 14 images, in progress:

img_1448Stations of the Cross #6 – Veronica Wipes the Face of Jesus. Digital painting, 2016-2017.

img_1446Stations of the Cross #5 – Simon Helps Jesus Carry the Cross. Digital painting, 2016-2017.

img_1445Stations of the Cross #13 – Jesus Removed From the Cross and His Body Returned to Mary. Digital painting, 2016-2017.

img_1444Stations of the Cross #12 – Jesus Dies on the Cross. Digital painting, 2016-2017.

img_1447Stations of the Cross #1 – Jesus Sentenced to Death. Digital painting, 2016-2017.

img_1443Stations of the Cross #14 – Entombment of Christ. Digital painting, 2016-2017.

By investigating the color and composition of Tiepolo’s work without reproducing the details, I hope to draw out the relationship these works have with the tradition of contemplative spiritual works the world over. It is also humbling to realize that the source paintings were made when Tiepolo was around 20 years old. I see these as his MFA Thesis work, definitive proof of his mastery.

Having visited these paintings in person – more than 10 years ago – I still recall how astounding they were. Not as large as Tintoretto. Not as graceful as Bellini. Not as mystical as Piero de Cosimo. Not as abstract as Uccello.  But they hold their own as an expression of an artist growing into this own power and getting ready to pivot into his own realms of glory.

My aim for my versions of the Via Crucis paintings is to print them in large format (potentially to scale with their Tiepolo counterparts) then paint back into them, further developing the color and compositional shaping.

Color Drawing Gets Rolling, 2017

I am super excited for this semester – I’m really changing things up in Color Drawing and we started off by reinvigorating a group project from last semester. We integrate the past and boost into the future.

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img_1535This group drawing is based on Normal Rockwell’s amazing Civil Rights painting, Golden Rule (Do Unto Others) piece of 1961. Click here to see more about the piece.

Here’s to an AMAZING 2017 of creativity and aspiration.

Top Artworks of 2016

And now, my favorite artworks of 2016, made by me!

5) Untitled (WHENEVERWHEN). Crayon and marker on paper, 9 by 8 inches, 2016. Collection of Josh Matejka. February 2016. I made this one while still laid up after my heart attack…

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4) Recording With Black Phillip – an illustration I made for The Reel Friends Podcast. This episode was about The VVitch, and I was a guest commentator. October 2016.

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3) The Cloud of Unknowing Print I made, titled Unknowing. Woodblock print on Arches paper. Image is 15 by 15 inches on approximately 20 by 20 inch paper. October 2016.

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2) Sigil. Oil, oil stick, spray paint, oil pastel, colored pencil and bas relief on panel, 16 by 16 inches, 2015-2016. Finished April 2016. Collection of Derek and Charlee Zimmerman.

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  1. The C-Section. Gouache on paper, 6 by 6 inches. This is a small painting of a sculpture my oldest daughter made about Cesarean Sections. I really love this piece. March 2016.

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My End of the Year List for 2016

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End of year lists are jerky and predictable, and so I generally make fun of them while joining in. I almost always turn away from the year in question and just make a general ranking. I also like to make a list of material that’s been endlessly parsed already. Click on the linked songs to listen.

Today, I’ll be putting my own order on the nine studio albums of the great Led Zeppelin, a band I grew up hearing (one of my earliest memories is listening to records while standing against the Panasonic Thruster speakers my dad had). I’ll throw in a bit of commentary as I go. Happy New Year, folks!

Rank | Album Title | Order of Release | Release Date

9) Led Zeppelin I: 1st release – January 12, 1969

Key Track

  1. Your Time Is Gonna Come

8) Led Zeppelin II: 2nd release – October 22, 1969

Key Tracks:

  1. Whole Lotta Love
  2. What Is and What Should Never Be
  3. Bring It On Home

7) Houses Of The Holy: 5th release – March 28, 1973

HotH has a great opening quartet of songs; for me it is essentially tied with Zeppelin IV. Its drawback is a weaker second half, particularly (to me) Dancing Days and The Ocean.

Key sequence:

  1. The Song Remains The Same
  2. The Rain Song
  3. Over The Hills and Far Away
  4. The Crunge

6) Led Zeppelin IV: 4th release – November 8, 1971

This record is Zeppelin’s most well known. It’s classic and iconic, and always worth returning to listen to again. Four Sticks is, however, the real standout for me over time.

5) Led Zeppelin III: 3rd release – October 5, 1970

Obviously Immigrant Song is the most popular song here. But Track 5, Out On The Tiles, is my favorite. It’s all strut and bombast, much like Zeppelin was during this period of time. The stylistic development from 1968 to 1970 is mirrored across the songs of Zeppelin III. I especially love the weirdness of the final track, Hats Off to (Roy) Harper.

4) Coda: 9th release – November 19, 1982

I love Coda, a posthumous offering from Page and the boys. Basically a complication album made from unreleased tracks recorded during sessions for previous records, Coda shows how even the cast off bits from Zeppelin’s oeuvre were damn fine stuff. I really enjoy the opener (We’re Gonna Groove) and closer (Wearing and Tearing) of this fast-paced charge through the band’s years.

3) In Through The Out Door: 8th release – August 15, 1979

I am a sucker for the ballad/love odes All My Love and I’m Gonna Crawl on this album. But the epic core of In Through The Out Door is Carouselambra. This 10 minute powerhouse is a journey all its own. It retains its energy and over-the-top spectacle, and it sits next to Kashmir and The Song Remains The Same as an example of the real creativity and showmanship of Led Zeppelin.

2) Physical Graffiti: 6th release – February 24, 1975

Physical Graffiti was my main Zeppelin choice during my teens and early 20s. If I could go back and hear Kashmir completely fresh again I’d do it in a second. So many great memories… Also huge for me are In My Time of Dying, In The Light, and The Wanton Song.

1) Presence: 7th release – March 31, 1976

My go-to Zeppelin album over the last decade or so has been Presence. It is huge, sweeping, and doesn’t shy away from a kind of nerdy excess that would eventually be the realm of Prog Rock. In the 1970s they made most of this stuff without irony, and so the Genesis, Yes, Camel, ELO and King Crimson (etc, et al) albums of the 70s were earnest. In Presence there is a seriousness that, perhaps, earlier records didn’t always have. To me, you just can’t get more quintessentially Zeppelin than For Your Life, Royal Orleans, and Nobody’s Fault But Mine. It’s just about perfect.

Key tracks:

  1. Achilles Last Stand
  2. For Your Life
  3. Royal Orleans
  4. Nobody’s Fault But Mine
  5. Candy Store Rock
  6. Hots On For Nowhere
  7. Tea For One

Have you seen the bridge?

When a man loves a woman…

…he renovates the main bathroom as a Christmas present while she’s traveling around the world to adopt a daughter. 


New paint, rearranged lighting and towel fixtures, new faucets and drains, and new caulk and sealant on toilet, tub, and sink. New moulding top and bottom, new registers and venting, and a deep clean (wire brush, etc) of everything.

I always try to do a household project for my wife when something huge happens in our lives. Bringing FangFang home is a huge Christmas gift for our family. I wanted to have something special for my wife on her return. Adoption trips are so tough emotionally and physically. It’s nice to have a bright, clean, and cozy space for a shower or bath at home… 


So thankful to my wife and all of the others who have worked to bring this beauty home.